JOKES 2

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he’s in there, the husband tells his wife:

“Listen, this guy’s an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck.” If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which his wife responds: “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He wwas whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!”

 

A Sunday school teacher asked her little children, as they were on the way to church service, “And why is it necessary to be quiet in church?” One bright little girl replied, “Because people are sleeping.”

 

 

 

 

 

An old man lived alone in Idaho.
He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was a very hardwork. His only son, Collins, who used to help him was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament…

Dear Collins:
I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won’t be able to plant my potato garden this year. I’m just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot. If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would have dug the plot for me.
Love, Dad.

A few days later, he received a letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
For heaven’s sake, Dad, don’t dig up that garden. That’s where I buried the bodies.
Love, Collins.

At 4.am the next morning, FBI agents and local police authorities showed up and dug up the entire area without finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.

That same day, the old man received another letter from his son.

Dear Dad:
Go ahead and plant the potatoes now. Its the best I could do under this circumstances.
Love, Collins.

 

An Igbo man, Yoruba man and Hausa man who were lost in a forest n were captured by cannibals. The king of d cannibals told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a trial. The 1st step was to go deep into d forest n get ten (10) pieces of d same kind of fruits. The three men went their separate ways to gather fruits. The yoruba man came back n said to d king, “i brought ten (10) apples”, d king explained d trial to him, ‘you have to swallow d fruits without any expression on your face or you will be killed. The 1st apple went in, but on d 2nd one, he winced out in pain, so he was killed. The igbo man arrived n showed d king ten (10) berries. When d king
explained d trial to him, he thought to himself that this
should be easy….1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8 n on d ninth (9th) berry, he burst out in laughter n was killed. The yoruba man n igbo man met in heaven. The yoruba man asked, “why did you laugh?”, you almost got away with d trial”….the igbo man replied, “i couldn’t help it, I saw the hausa man coming with Watermelons!!!

A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”
“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”
He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”
The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smartass when he’s drunk and stoned.”
The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”
At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”